I hate Paris in the Spring time, I hate Paris in the Fall

Written on Aug. 6. 2008

Since we skipped the Spring this year, and part of the Fall, I guess only half of the song is useful. But bref...

Woke up at 5:30 to catch a flight from Easyjet to Paris, for only one piece of paper from the Embassy. On the S-Bahn to Flughafen Schönefeld, I somehow got a bad feeling about this. Maybe it was because I had a hang-over, or because I had not slept for 3 days straight, but I sincerely doubt my sensibility of the Sixth Sense.

Got into the check-in line, went through the first Security Check, and the second. Once I got to the waiting area, there was about 45 minutes left until the Boarding. The original flight was scheduled at 8:35. Sat myself down at a nice café and accidentally spent 10 Euros on my breakfast. It is alright, I told myself, I would need the energy to cut through the red tape, physically or not.

The first announcement said the flight was delayed for an hour, the second one said it was delayed for two hours, and the third one, was given around 10:30am, asking the passengers go to Gate 59. All of us rushed over -- and guess what? The gate was closed, we found ourselves in the basement, facing a closed blue door.

I phoned P. he said that he would call the customer service line to find out what was going on. There was no one we could speak to, and the only news we got from a woman was : "You guys have to wait until noon, and then we will tell you when the flight will take off (if it ever will?!)" P. got kicked off the line.

We turned upstairs and all of us got 4,5 euros worth of refreshment. The water costs 3.50, and a tiny croissant cost 1,90. That, was the moment, the only moment I miss Neukölln backeries.

The screen shows the flight info: Delayed, 13:00, 12:30. "§$%&, 11:35 ... I got myself another coffee and thought about leaving the Airport and take another flight.

My plan was:

Arrive in Paris at 10:20AM.
Arrive at the Embassy at 11:40AM.
Turned in my application before they close at noon.
Or even go there during their afternoon hours between 14:30 and 17:00.
Pick up my document the next day morning or early afternoon.
Take the over night bus back to Berlin.

Now, since I would not be in Paris on time, no point to go after the Embassy closed because I would be obliged to stay another day, or two, because the Embassy does not work on Thursday afternoon.

Phoned P, asking him to check other flights for me.

This is the only flight out of Schönefeld to Paris, and even in Tegel, there is nothing, I can afford.

All the sudden, around 12:00, the "delayed" signed changed into "Boarding, gate 63." I called P. again. "We are boarding."
"You are joking. I am dialing the fax number to send them a complaint."
"Well, we are boarding."

The take-off and landing was rough, it was windy. But the rest was ok. The flight attendants said the original plane was kaputt all the sudden, and they were the replacement crew, with a replacement plane. During the flight, the plane made some funny noises, which made some of us nervous, esp. right before taking off, more than 4 mechanics worked inside and outside of the plane. Anyway, we landed in Paris in one piece, at 1:35PM.

Considering it was the N°th times I was there for bureaucracy, or transportation obligations, I know the metro system quite well. It took me almost an hour and 20 minutes (as I had planned) to get to the Embassy at George V. I came straight to the information desk to ask for the forms to fill out. Next to me was a security-door, disabled, a man with a Kebab sitting at the desk and eating it as if it were his last meal... super.

The info. girl told me that it was impossible to get the paper (Let's call it "L") or any paper at all from this Embassy, because I would need to:

Sign a Handlungsvollmacht and send it to my mom ask her to take the L from the district,
then, go to the Governmental Notary and have it approved,
then, go to the Provincial Foreign Affair's department to have the same paper approved
then, make an appointment with French Consulate in the area and have the same sucker approved again
all of these should be done in 90 days
then, I will have to make another appointment at the Embassy in Paris to have it a-p-p-r-o-v-e-d again
of course, I have to pay for it too

WHAT THE FUCK?

The first time she said it, I did not understand a word for I never heard of these terms like "Provincial Foreign Affair's department", and she spoke really fast. I took out a pen and asked her nicely to repeat the department's name so I can write it down. She threw me a scorn, a dismay sigh, and said:" WHERE are you from? Go to the end of the hall and copy the information from the wall. Next."

If I were in the Scrubs, I would pull out a rifle, shoot a gigantic bullet right through her pie hole.

I went to the end of the hall, copied down the information, phoned my mom, told her the procedure, she simply said it was Imfuckingpossible.

Now, there was no point for me to stay in Paris. I tried so hard to cancel the hotel... "But you did not cancel 24 hours before, we are charging you for the first night."

"But I am only staying for one night and because of the cancellation of the flights, I would not even be in Paris. It is a bit silly."

"Fine, but pay attention the next time."

"Never underestimate the power of lying."--- Fritz in American Beauty.

Found a place to charge my cell phone. P. called, asked me to come back to Berlin. I would book the first thing available, even a camel.

Went all the way to Gallienti for the bus, even though on their website it said there were seats available but the first one was at Friday night.

Tried my luck in Gare du Nord, the trains to Berlin were full until the next day afternoon. Unless, I wanted to spend more than 220 euros on a train requiring two changed, once in Karlsruhe and once in Frankfurt. And it takes more than 18 hours.

Bollocks.

Just for that one piece of luck I felt, I stood in line for 45 minutes to see if during this time anyone cancelled the train ticket. While I was in the line, P. phoned and asked me what I would do. I could:
-be lucky and get a ticket now and leave in two hours.
-stay in the Station all night and wait for an early train.
-get a hotel near the train station if I have enough cash and if there was any room available.
-go to CDG airport and sleep there
-hitchhiking

"I don't like the idea you are hanging about in the train station, in France."
I know, lived there for three years, it was not like I ever want to "hang out" near the stations.

P said that he had been checking online for carpool, and there might be one leaving from Chantilly at 11pm and he would go through Paris around midnight. I said that I would try to get a ticket anyway.

It was my turn. "The next train for Berlin please."
"Lucky you someone just cancelled. It leaves at 20:46, no changes, 116 euros."
SWEEEEEEEET
"Is it refundable?"
"No. Are you unsure?"
"I am waiting for a call concerning car pool."
"When is he or she calling?"
"I don't know. that is the thing."
"Well, if they call you before your departure, I will try to fix it for you, just come and see me."

She made my day.

Decided that I totally deserved a good meal, near the station, well, a Chinese restaurant. I happened to forget that they sold the dishes by weight, so I ended up being quite broke at the end of the afternoon... but it is ok. I was well fed, had a ticket in hand, and above all, I was LEAVING Paris!

19:30, P called "Are you on the train?"
"No."
"Why???? WHY???"
"Because it leaves in 75 minutes..."
"Oh... just concern about your safety, making sure you can come back."
"Thanks."

We spoke a few times during the ride. I past my 4th sleepless night, he fell asleep around midnight I guess. I was at no mood speaking to others, if I were anti-social before, that was the day to be a radical anti-social. I stood in front of the open window, behind my iPod, wishing the strong wind would clear out my mind a bit. I am doomed.

5AM, Mom called. Bad reception. I called her back half an hour later and she told me that she had called the apartment, but she and P could not communicate.
"Does it surprise you? There is no common language you both speak. And I am still on the train."
"Yeah yeah, I might get the paper for you."
"Cool. Thanks man. I will call you once I get to the apartment."

Buzzed P like I promised, between 6 and 6:30am.
"Your mom called in the middle of the night. I don't know what she was talking about."
"Yeah, she called me too."
"I am picking you up from the station."
"Cheers mate."

Then it was the beautiful sunrise, and the train became less crowded. There were people sleeping at the corridors all night.

Missed the school today, I am totally kaputt. Then the car pool guy called around 1PM today, asked me where to meet up in Paris.

Not sure how the red-tape would be cut through, but I am still here, making (trying anyway) to make the best out of this Fall.

Necessity to be jaded now

The room seemed unfamiliar,
it suddenly hit,
the moment I turned the key.
My body against the yellow wall,
the bed sheets were white,
as blank as me.
Unnamed anger,
my swollen eyes
my hoarse voice
between my hands.

"You will be fine" they say.
I shall continue to breath, drink and eat.
"You will be occupied
with all the paperwork, school..." they say.
I shall be occupied,
won't have any room left
for dwelling on if the weather is good,
if my socks match.
I will be occupied alright.
No doubt that I can be more
than a human,
transforming into a work machine,
cut me to see if I bleed.

Sat on my desk facing the window,
blur vision, cigarette in hand,
unlit.
I should go for a walk.
Morning sun,
chilly air,
my well pronounced solitude.

Necessity to be jaded now. Now.

I cling upon our trust,
more than once tossed by you,
potentially-over-cherished by me;
then I find myself having nothing to hold.
The urge to smile with sorrow;
my erratic breathing rhythm;
the sensation of trapped in obscurity;
my over multiplied constancy
in a unbalanced formula.

July

July. The ninth month since I left France. The ninth time I moved since my arrival in Europe. Nine months, such a particular period of time. I have experienced the betrays and felt the gratitude. I have seen desperations and hopes. I have lived through desperations and hopes. Tasted others' psychological crisis, and my own. I have bore the silence of many and started my own gang. Running well for the moment. Watching The Simpsons in German but mainly speaking French throughout the day. Gradually having my name altered, my identity filtered, getting comfortable running in Vamp boots, having fever from the rain and suffering from sunburn. Saying farewell to my official single life, the key word, official. Developing more tolerance towards certain things which I would never have if I hadn't left for Berlin, although it is up to debate if such apathetic attitude is purely good. Costumed to see the light at the end of metro, forming a habit of burning my oatmeal while taking a shower, having my Äpfelschöle after school, dwelling if I should be honest with someone who lies, hiding myself behind my iPod in the U-Bahn, smoking during school break, rationalizing all the irrational things I do. I am doing nothing remarkable, still have my short red hair and contact lenses, still laugh or cry in the sleep, if I ever sleep, (But I have not been taking sleeping pills), still having doubts on how long I will stay, how I will stay. Ninth month, I told myself that it was a start, as a newborn, as we entered the new chapter in the German grammar book, as I am slowly getting over seasonal allergy,leaving Johnnie Walker behind, setting "Violently happy" to be the ring tone of my cellphone while prospecting the probable happiness in the near future.
July. The ninth month...

Life as Spring

E=(1/2)K(Δ X)²

ΔX is the stretched or compressed length minus the spring's nature length. For example, if the spring's nature length (under no outside force) is 10 cm, when you stretch it into 14cm, ΔX is 4cm, and sum of (Δ X)² will thus be 16. If you compress the spring into 6 cm, the Delta X is -4cm, and sum of (Δ X)² will be 16 as well!

When life is quite, everything is going fine, routine like, nothing special happens, ΔX=0. Then, the E=0. So, it doesn't matter when good experience happens (ΔX is positive) or negative experience we have (Δ X is negative), the (ΔX)² will ALWAYS be positive, thus, E will have a value. Personally, I prefer to let my life energy have a number (E will NEVER to negative according to the formula), so it doesn't really matter good things or bad things happen because at the end, we need to square the ΔX, the outcome is always positive.

Next to this formula, there is a note: ΔX has to be its working range. This is VERY important: when you stretch or compress the spring too much, it will break. When it is broken, there is no point of calculating the potential energy it may have. That is to say, don't try to be cool and overdo things. Don't get everything in one time or commit suicide. It is against the law of nature. But as long as the spring stay unbroken, the more you stretch it OR the more you compress it, the higher energy it will have. Thus, a big part of it depends on its material: what kind of material we are decides what our Max ΔX is, thus our potential energy.

Nature elements influence ΔX, sometimes it depends on the temperature, the humidity in the air and how much you exercise the spring. This is part of K as I can remember. When you put it in a wet place and not exercising it at all, it will rot, when it starts rotting (I don't remember the chemical term for it...), the chemical reaction changes the material, and it make it ONLY less stronger. To get ride of the rotten part (before it is too late), you can either scrub it hard, which may damage the spring, or put it in HCL and let the acid melt the extra chemical away (the brown part, for interacting with Oxygen), but image the pain, image you have to put yourself through acid! So, my point is: take care of the spring in the first place, that is to say, make the environment as pleasant as possible, (such as having a roof) so the potential E can be increased or well maintained; and exercise it too simply because there is O2 in the air, so does H2O.

To be honest, for a spring have an E=0 doesn't exist: if you take one side of it and hang it on the wall, it will be stretched and have a small amount of E, yeah, the gravity. Even when you put in horizontally on the table, it still has E because of another formula that calculates the E relating to gravity where E and H (the height from the sea level) go up and down in the same direction according to one and another. (E= mgh) Of course, in that case, it is not really the experience that influence the E, but its nature weight (M) and the height its at (H), and where the spring is: on the earth at sea level, in a basin, in the summit of a hill, or on the Moon. But, in this case, it is not really the E of the spring, it is the E of anything that has a mass, so, it is really irrelevant. PS: it is impossible for E=0 when something that has a mass, even at the sea level when H=0 because we can calculate the law of force from the Earth itself, the Sun or a grind of sand next to it. (E= G(Mm)/r²) (Energy of attraction)

Alright, back to E for a spring. It sometimes is not up to us entirely to decide the value of (ΔX)² because it comes from a outside force, but it is our duty to keep the spring in a good condition. Once again, it doesn't matter good or bad things happen, when we square the distance, the outcome is always positive thus the E doesn't have anything to do with whether the spring is compressed or stretched. Me, I am interested in E, E only. When I have a great value of E, my life is good, I have more materials to work with, more mental strength, and surely the rich experiences that some people can't have. So, experience is just experience, good or bad, it is just a number, and you get to square it, so, what is the harm?

Second subject for the day: The law of inertia. According to Newton, if you give a object a outside force, the object will continue to move towards to direction of the given force, forever. (F=µN) But why they stop, always? Because of the friction. The explanation is Ft=m2v2-m1v1 ( I think), however, part of the friction depends on the surface of two materials that touch, that is to say the coefiction is a constancy since it totally depends on the materials themselves. There is always going to be friction everywhere between human interactions, when I don't get alone with someone, at times I simply believe that because our coefiction is not good. ( too many "oui oui" or too many fights) In order to change the coefiction, we have to change the materials, which means the change of personalities, sometimes it is impossible. So, don't get worked up if we can't get alone with someone, it is just numbers. (My personal way to get over a out-fall with another person...)So, when you say two persons have no chemistry between them, is it chemistry or physics?

$Filter

When every part of my past decided not to become any part of my present, can I say that I'd moved on?

Spoke to someone whom I hadn't spoken to for a while on Saturday. We were really close for a period of time until one day, we had a fall out, then, everything fell apart. I left for France and he stayed where he was. More than a couple of months ago, I had a strange urge to look him up, I found him. So, there we were, at the two ends of the world holding up by an intangible line.

"If I hadn't looked you up, would you have contacted me?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I thought it was over."

"It seems like I was always the one who made an effort to stay in touch."

"You made an effort? You hurt me so bad that I really thought it was all over. "

"You didn't have to deal with my problems."

"But you were part of my problems. I didn't need that. You made me worried all the time, can you understand that?"

"But it has been so long."

"I thought it was all over."

"You are very American."

"Maybe. Well, you can say that."

"But why you want to leave the country now?"

"I am not very American, I don't blend in."

"But you are American."

...

Sense-less conversation went on for couple of more minutes. We decided that we had said what we had in mind. The end.

It is hard now to imagine what we used to be. Human relation can be so fragile. We turn our backs too easily, we don't make enough effort to find out if everything was actaully based on a simple misunderstanding, we think one part of the relationship fell out is the end of every part of it that used to hold us together. Maybe this is true: When a glass is broken; it doesn't matter how great the super glue it is trying to hold it back together, it will still leak water. So are we really never healed from the ancient wounds? Or do we simply choose not to. It takes work to heal, it takes time, energy and courage; and yes, the scars will stay, but they won't hurt anymore. We do heal our wounds, don't we?

I have been feeling dizzy all day. Thus, instead of going to my swimming classes tonight, I chose to dine with a friend. When we left the restaurant, I found out that someone stole the joint that connects my seats and the frame. I had to walk home and I had to take the buses tomorrow. My landlord was curious about my walking home, I told him what happened.

"You are too young to understand this, but I am going to tell you now. The world is not fair sometimes. There are injustices in this world. You have to accept it."

I almost busted into laughers! I may be more jaded than he thought. Nevertheless, "Accept it?" NO! "Acknowledge it and fight for the justice. Don't just simply accept it and let people walk all over you!" Maybe I am too young to understand it, maybe I am not as jaded as I thought I would be, maybe I am naive, but hope is the only thing left for me, if I lose it, I would really have nothing at all.

A joint on my bike won't cost more than 10 euros, but the fact that some people just randomly take things off my bike bothers me. Money doesn't mean everything, a theft is a theft, from 10 cents to 10 million coming from a same category of act. But in reality, do we set up the standard according to its monetary value or the nature of the action? Should I be more practical and try to fit in the world of looking at the world with $ filter?

Derivative

teach me how to take

derivative of you

so I can keep

my breath steady

when chores became pleasure

sweat became lubricant

my mind transformed

so did yours

in the interval of an impossible domain

I failed to find the value

justifying my desires

thus I picture

pictures of you

refined and over again

between traffic lights and my watch

in the bitterness of my morning espresso

Coffee and Cigarettes

Everyday around noon, a man comes into this cafe with a book. He orders a double-shot espresso without sugar or milk. Then he rolls two cigarettes and reads. This has become a everyday thing now. In such busy lunch hour and he sits alone in a corner, practices his daily routine.

The owner of the cafe knows him, everyone works in the cafe knows him but never more words are exchanged between them. He is just another customer and they are just doing their jobs. No one else knows how he feels in such clamorous disarray. At times he appears pensive, grins esoterically. Are coffee and cigarettes his omens to ratify the implosion? Or is he suffused with contentment that one others can taste?

Others look at him as he enters; others look at him as he leaves. Not vice-versa. Maybe it is because he looks outsized. He is outsized. I am a customer; I act no different than the rest, seeped in our hypotheses on his perpetual secular rite. Yet he remains concealed in his robust shell. Impossible for the outside.