$Filter

When every part of my past decided not to become any part of my present, can I say that I'd moved on?

Spoke to someone whom I hadn't spoken to for a while on Saturday. We were really close for a period of time until one day, we had a fall out, then, everything fell apart. I left for France and he stayed where he was. More than a couple of months ago, I had a strange urge to look him up, I found him. So, there we were, at the two ends of the world holding up by an intangible line.

"If I hadn't looked you up, would you have contacted me?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I thought it was over."

"It seems like I was always the one who made an effort to stay in touch."

"You made an effort? You hurt me so bad that I really thought it was all over. "

"You didn't have to deal with my problems."

"But you were part of my problems. I didn't need that. You made me worried all the time, can you understand that?"

"But it has been so long."

"I thought it was all over."

"You are very American."

"Maybe. Well, you can say that."

"But why you want to leave the country now?"

"I am not very American, I don't blend in."

"But you are American."

...

Sense-less conversation went on for couple of more minutes. We decided that we had said what we had in mind. The end.

It is hard now to imagine what we used to be. Human relation can be so fragile. We turn our backs too easily, we don't make enough effort to find out if everything was actaully based on a simple misunderstanding, we think one part of the relationship fell out is the end of every part of it that used to hold us together. Maybe this is true: When a glass is broken; it doesn't matter how great the super glue it is trying to hold it back together, it will still leak water. So are we really never healed from the ancient wounds? Or do we simply choose not to. It takes work to heal, it takes time, energy and courage; and yes, the scars will stay, but they won't hurt anymore. We do heal our wounds, don't we?

I have been feeling dizzy all day. Thus, instead of going to my swimming classes tonight, I chose to dine with a friend. When we left the restaurant, I found out that someone stole the joint that connects my seats and the frame. I had to walk home and I had to take the buses tomorrow. My landlord was curious about my walking home, I told him what happened.

"You are too young to understand this, but I am going to tell you now. The world is not fair sometimes. There are injustices in this world. You have to accept it."

I almost busted into laughers! I may be more jaded than he thought. Nevertheless, "Accept it?" NO! "Acknowledge it and fight for the justice. Don't just simply accept it and let people walk all over you!" Maybe I am too young to understand it, maybe I am not as jaded as I thought I would be, maybe I am naive, but hope is the only thing left for me, if I lose it, I would really have nothing at all.

A joint on my bike won't cost more than 10 euros, but the fact that some people just randomly take things off my bike bothers me. Money doesn't mean everything, a theft is a theft, from 10 cents to 10 million coming from a same category of act. But in reality, do we set up the standard according to its monetary value or the nature of the action? Should I be more practical and try to fit in the world of looking at the world with $ filter?