Random Stuff in Aug.

I found myself wide awake at 3AM. That was it, my on-average-2-hours-a-night sleeping pattern slowly crept back and left me staring at the ceiling for hours. I ate too much, didn't drink enough, tried to read a book but my mental state was nowhere close to register words. Someone told me "It's like an elastic ball bouncing back and forth." He meant something else, but such statement applies to my insomnia too. Because of the drastic weather change, I coughed a bunch while awake at night. "You should drink more tea with lemon, if not, make sure you write down your will before tomorrow." P. said -- Cheers mate.

Met up with J. for coffee yesterday, hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks. He looked pale behind thick sun glasses in an indoor cafe.
"How are you?" I asked him.
"In your opinion?"
"Have you tried to go to school? It has been more than two months."
"No. I don't feel like doing anything at all. Already I made an effort to come out to see you."

Dr. Cox: Nothing ever changes. The artist formerly known as Prince is still just Prince, my ex-wife is still pretty much my wife, Grey's Anatomy always wraps up every episode with some cheesy voice-over that ties together all of the story lines, which incidentally is my least favorite device on television, Newbie continually will try to violate my no-touching policy... (Looks around) ...and Republicans will forever try to raise...

"And you? How are you holding up? The trip to Paris didn't sound good."
"I am holding it up. I spent Wednesday lying in bed and being angry at everything, but that was my break-down day. I am back to my normal life again."
"You put back your mask you mean?"
"If you wish."
"But you don't wear your mask with me. I am happy about it."
"Be happy."

Mom called and told me that she hadn't been sleeping because she could not get the paper for me. I said one insomniac in the circle was enough, and we were pulling the strings here. Things will finally work out, it takes time. I choose to spend a lot of time in solitude: only to clean the flat, fold the laundries, organize documents, watch "Scrubs" and check the forecast. I have more than two suitcases now because of some new papers, and an entire liter of unopened Johnnie Walker Red Label. I am not a destructive person, just yet to be anywhere close to being constructive.

(originally posted on August 13, 2008 - Wednesday 00:17)

Kodak Moment

Windy today, you asked your friend to offer me a ride home, I said that I rather walk, for I was shaking with ire, I needed to walk it off.

Early morning, you said that we would surely go to INS at 10AM, then after 4 hours, you changed your mind, for your clients wanted more money from their ware fare. "We will go tomorrow. I have the whole morning booked for you." I smashed a glass against the wall.

Late afternoon, you called and said that we were meeting a lawyer tomorrow night. "Why? Aren't we going tomorrow morning?" "No, I might have an interview with the press." But my case is fucking a lot more urgent than any client of yours!

You showed me a stack of paper from the lawyer, trying to prove that I would be able to stay for sure.

You asked me to get a coffee from your office kitchen but I hate your kitchen, where empty alcohol bottles occupy every corner.

Your secretary wondered why I have grown thinner. "Why don't you eat more?"

Because it is not about food. I eat constantly from 3AM to 8PM, I eat more than usual, I eat more than most of the people. It is because I am at the edge of a breakdown, I stare at the ceiling for 10 hours a night, I am soaked in anger 24/7, I can't stand the wait, I don't want to have my case depended on your clients' greediness, or how much ethanol you pour in your body; because I scream in the middle of the street, and my period lasts two weeks...

"Aber wir haben uns."
Wir haben uns-- that is the best solace you can give?

"Ich habe dich lieb."
"Ich habe Toilettepapier gekauft."--I was never known as a romantic person.

"Wir schaffen das, weil du meine bist."
But when? And I don't feel like having a Kodak moment right now.

(Originally posted September 5, 2008 - Friday 02:24)